not.the.mom

Hollering Out My Opinions: You Can Make a Difference. The Choice to Act is Yours.

Sun, 19 May 2013 09:42:42 -0700

Hollering Out My Opinions: You Can Make a Difference. The Choice to Act is Yours.:

From USA Today

Rosas, 18, had seen anonymous bullies send the girl hurtful messages on Tumblr, a social networking website where she kept her blog. Then, one afternoon, it happened. On May 6, the 16-year-old girl, who Rosas knew only through the Tumblr site, threatened to commit suicide in an…

one of the world’s biggest queens (Queen Mary) is...

Sat, 18 May 2013 23:25:49 -0700

one of the world’s biggest queens (Queen Mary) is decorated for the pride festival. makes me proud of long beach.

we got to watch fireworks from the girls’ bedroom this evening. long beach gay pride weekend...

Sat, 18 May 2013 23:22:14 -0700

we got to watch fireworks from the girls’ bedroom this evening. long beach gay pride weekend is packed with awesomeness!

wonderdad is singing my least favorite lullaby.

Sat, 18 May 2013 22:02:33 -0700

wonderdad is singing my least favorite lullaby.

i only like Kevin Costner in baseball movies. “For the Love of the Game” is a good one.

Sat, 18 May 2013 21:14:06 -0700

i only like Kevin Costner in baseball movies. “For the Love of the Game” is a good one.

Photo

Sat, 18 May 2013 15:08:13 -0700

"Your soul doesn’t care what you do for a living - and when your life is over, neither will you. Your..."

Sat, 18 May 2013 15:06:06 -0700

“Your soul doesn’t care what you do for a living - and when your life is over, neither will you. Your soul cares only about what you are being while you are doing whatever you are doing.”

- Neale Donald Walsch (via hashpe)

moretoignore: :( i love, love, love this.

Sat, 18 May 2013 15:05:08 -0700

moretoignore:

:(

i love, love, love this.

at work today...

Sat, 18 May 2013 13:23:32 -0700

…I am in hell. giant gossiping baby hell.

and I am having an excellent hair day.

God doesn't give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need.

Fri, 17 May 2013 22:09:13 -0700

melissajoykong:

My feeling exactly.

I had a remarkably good day at work. so, i’m taking the family out to dinner to celebrate.

Fri, 17 May 2013 19:13:26 -0700

I had a remarkably good day at work. so, i’m taking the family out to dinner to celebrate.

any news report that begins, “the German government says that if Justin Beiber wants his...

Fri, 17 May 2013 09:09:08 -0700

any news report that begins, “the German government says that if Justin Beiber wants his monkey back…” is a guaranteed channel change.

heading into my office finale blackout now. see you in a few hours.

Thu, 16 May 2013 20:11:20 -0700

heading into my office finale blackout now. see you in a few hours.

wake up call

Thu, 16 May 2013 20:06:36 -0700

i woke up to a wonderful email this morning … my piece debuted in my sweet friends’ class today at the living well. it was very exciting. and scary. but all the best things are.

here it is … for my friends here, who may wonder how i got here … but mostly, it’s for those of you who are searching for something of your own:

When it comes to awakening to the wonder of my life, I have a confession to make:

I suffer from a pretty mad case of spiritual narcolepsy.

One minute, I’m wide-awake, radiating joy and gratitude and the next? I’m heavy-lidded, weepy and waiting for that little voice inside of me to scream, “WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!”

At least now, I am wise enough to recognize it; I know the signs. Most days, it doesn’t take much to pull me from my stupor – a cup of coffee, hot and sweet (just like man who brings it to me); a game of fetch with the world’s largest kitten; or a snuggle from the children I didn’t birth but love as if I did. Sometimes, it takes a little more … like a week and all the wine … then Voila! The muscle memory kicks in and all is right with my world.

But it wasn’t always like that.

You may understand what I’m talking about. Joy can be a scary business.

It’s painful as hell, and frightening too, nurturing the life you want to live into being. But I don’t want you to worry; I’ve been there before and I know the way out.

See, this is not the life I started with; it’s not even close.

To be fair, there was nothing really wrong with the life I had back then. I had a man who loved me; good friends; a job I enjoyed. My life moved along. Simple. Uneventful. Sweet, even. And I wasn’t unhappy, which is important to know.

But ‘not unhappy’ is no way to go through life.

I did not know that then. It took a letter from my high school sweetheart to show me the way.

His name was Erik. He was tall and funny and I loved him more that winter than I’ve loved anyone (until now) … strong and true and completely without fear or guile.

When he ended things, it was over the phone. It was vague. And I was undone. I never knew the reason for the split and it was there, I think, that my imagination began its marathon … running far and fast ahead of me, dodging logic and running circles ‘round reason. I assumed he’d found someone more beautiful, more intelligent, closer to home … more of everything and less of me. I figured - no, I knew - I wasn’t enough.

I wasn’t entirely wrong.

I saw him one last time, in a hallway. He was standing with his back to me and she was leaning into him. It was she who saw me first and when he turned, he seemed embarrassed, sad, too. He shrugged, a meager attempt at an apology, I imagined, as the girl revealed herself and my world skipped a beat.

Her name was K and she was my arch nemesis. (When you’re sixteen - all elbows and lip-gloss and drama, it’s okay to have an arch nemesis. It’s expected, even.)

She was tall and blonde and beautiful … cool, in that effortless way the wealthy seem born with; she was the opposite of me in every way. We knew each other, though not well, through speech competitions, always finishing first and second, always wanting to best the other.

She smiled then, slyly, and looked down at me, long lashed and pleased with herself, smug and victorious, and held him, tightly - the way she’d grip any other trophy.

I didn’t know what to do, so I did what it turns out I now always do when I hear my heart start to break. I smiled, as warmly as I could, took a few steps backwards and walked away. I never looked back.

I almost never look back.

But just before my 40^th birthday, Erik wrote me a letter and told me the story of the hallway, from his side, and how he’s never been more at odds with himself than he was in that moment. One girl wrapped around him; the other deep inside him. And how, when he needed them most, his words failed him. How, in that moment, and in the days and weeks before, he was the one who wasn’t “enough.” It was never about me at all.

Not everything is about me – but some things really should be.

It was suddenly clear that I was nowhere near where I belonged. I realized that what I had seen as compromise and the natural order of a marriage was actually a bargain I made with myself (don’t we all, at some point, make bargains with ourselves?) to live in a way that kept the people around me calm and happy.

It was such a relief, that epiphany - until it wasn’t. Realizing your truth and realizing you’ll have to act on it are two entirely different things.

I had stuffed myself into a life that was too small. I stood still to keep the people around me from feeling uncomfortable. I stood still so it wouldn’t hurt as much. I stood still for them for so long, I forgot not only who I used to be, I forgot who I wanted to be. It wasn’t until that moment, standing alone in the kitchen, holding a letter from an old friend, that I truly understood that standing still doesn’t suit me.

So, I left my husband, I left my friends. I left my life.

This time, I was the one standing in the hallway, watching someone walk away. No one leaves that place unscathed. As hard as it is to be the one who is left behind, who is no longer loved, it is harder, by far, to be the one who leaves, who stops loving first … few things hurt more than realizing that in order to fix yourself, you’re going to have to break someone else.

That high school afternoon left a scar – thick, though softer now with age and fading. For a long time, it showed itself in my overdeveloped fear of rejection. “Unwarranted,” some say, but I am who I am and I do what I do. And in the beginnings of things, or in the middle (when I’m happy and my guard is down), I am still certain that it’s waiting around the next corner, at the end of the hallway, leaning against a wall.

I like to think it keeps me humble, grateful, and present, even as I know it’s the reason I push when I don’t mean to and race ahead when I really would be content to walk … and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to make it easy for people to walk right in and out of my life.

I try not to let it make me miss the simple joy of things … of a compliment, of a conversation, of a meal. I really don’t want to do that.

The first time I fell in love, it changed me forever. That first cut was so deep it took a second pass to help me feel the pain with the fullness and honesty it deserved. It changed me forever. Then it changed me again.

This change, this choice, however, was all mine.

Sometimes, I forget that. I give in to the voices around me and inside of me and it makes it hard to see all that is good and right and true. When it happens to you – and it will happen to you – repeat after me:

This is the life I chose. I built it. I own it.

Don’t let the things you don’t do define you. Let “Thank you” and “I love you” slip easily from your tongue. Don’t do things the easy way. Eat dessert. Don’t be afraid to play the fool.

It will be hard, but it will be worth it and you will be able to say, “I have never been so happy.”

The truth, though, must be told among friends, so you should know that while the effort is not without rewards, it is also not without setbacks. (This year, for instance, I lost my mother; I lost my job; and I got cancer. Twice.) I have not always faced these events with the joy and gratitude an enlightened life requires. There has been more anger and tears and creative uses of the “F-word” than are probably necessary. The truth is: Grief has transformed me into a girl I don’t know very well.

The truth also is: This is the life I chose. I built it. I own it … and it’s okay. Life is different now. I’m different now. I’m enough.

I have wisely surrounded myself with lovely, loyal friends and built my life with a man who understands the power of gravity (and not just because he walks with a limp) and who reminds me, every day, “there is no kill-switch on awesome.”

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I have no desire to leave or flee toward something else. No, this time, love tethers me here; propelling me forward with sudden, heart-stopping moments that remind me that no matter how messy it gets, I belong here.

My hope for you is that wherever you are, you belong there. And if you don’t, I hope you find the strength and hope and patience to recognize it and to make the journey elsewhere.

As you go, remember: There is a certain wild joy that comes from simply not going under. Once the soul begins to awaken, there is no stopping it. It can be resisted; it can be denied - for a while, but “awake” holds so much potential and delicious possibility - even as it can be a fearsome sort of thing, I think.

It means taking responsibility instead of letting things happen. It means letting things happen when there is nothing that can be done.

It’s harder than you think it will be, happier, too. I promise you that.

In the midst, you will make mistakes and say the wrong things and ache with the constant newness of it all; and when you’re unsteady or insecure, don’t be afraid to reach for something to keep your balance. (Reaching out for support when you truly need some doesn’t make you weak; it just makes you wise. It also makes you feel better.)

The discovery, after all, the “not knowing,” that is the real adventure - and the remedy itself, to heal us all and make us wise before the fall.

Someone bless us fools.

i love the office and i’m going to miss it.

Thu, 16 May 2013 18:27:24 -0700

i love the office and i’m going to miss it.

"Stop hiding from it and let the joy you wait for catch up with you now."

Thu, 16 May 2013 07:40:39 -0700

“Stop hiding from it
and let the joy you wait for
catch up with you now.”

- Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson (via tylerknott)

THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE THING!!! you must watch this. you...

Wed, 15 May 2013 20:48:22 -0700

THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE THING!!!

you must watch this. you cannot be unhappy after seeing this! it’s wonderful!

lovequotesrus: EVERYTHING LOVE

Wed, 15 May 2013 18:59:13 -0700

lovequotesrus:

EVERYTHING LOVE

did you guys know that today is national chocolate chip day? there is probably still time to bake...

Wed, 15 May 2013 18:28:25 -0700

did you guys know that today is national chocolate chip day?

there is probably still time to bake something. you can mail it to me tomorrow.

i think that the moment when i get to take my bra off is my favorite part of my day.

Wed, 15 May 2013 18:23:31 -0700

i think that the moment when i get to take my bra off is my favorite part of my day.